Wednesday, January 25, 2012

My hosting company shut my service off - so this is what I wrote them...

My message after they told me they were shutting my service off

A few things:

0) Thank you for your medium urgency and completely monotonous and impersonal messages regarding my service suspension.  I felt loved, and almost shed a tear.

1) The server tends to suck - is often slow / bogged down. (I have complained and told it was fixed, yeah - no, still waiting for that to happen.. )

2) $5 late fee for web hosting? Who charges a late fee - really? What are you a bank?  Isn't disrupting my (awesome) service kicking my ass enough? Hell No! Lets take it off line and spank him with Abe Lincoln for it cuz we're big and scawee!

3) I have to wait 24 hours before someone sits his pimply ass in his char, flips through his JIRA tasks - and believing he's a seasoned hacker - sets my account to "active" on some https://obscure.corporate.webapp.of.activation.awesomex0rs:8080 ..

4) Here is a link of what I looked like when I went to my website and nothing was there: http://bit.ly/zgCqFn

I'm afraid you may have lost me as a customer because of all this. However, the real tragedy is you are probably sitting there behind the glow of your monitor daydreaming about your level 81 super-warcraft-dark-elf with her +3 megazord sword of schlong swinging doom and could give a rats fuzzy ass.

P.S.
Don't forget to tell your mom you love her when you go home tonight ..

Their Response

Hello

First, I would like to thank you for bring your account current.

Secondly, I am sorry to hear you feel this way. I can assure you, that I will personally see to it that your complaints will not go unnoticed or unheard!

On behalf of everybody here at xxxxxxxx, I do want to apologize for the inconvenience.

Thank you,
Jon B.

My Follow Up

Thanks for treating me like a human, Jon! I hope you at least chuckled when you read my message.

I suppose if I had a regex that was parsing my email for cave-man-speak I could have caught the fact that in 2 days my service was going to go bye bye.

Jon, tell you what: push Alan out of his chair, Alt-F4 out of his WOW account and take over for him in responding to customers like they are actually human.

Or better yet - come lunch time, sneak over to his desk, unplug his ethernet cable when he least expects it - like when he's stuffing down taco bell .. Its funny what warcraft people do when they get disconnected when they are playing; True story, I'll tell you some day.

Jon, this is one of those unfortunate times when some how management thought it would be a good idea for NOC to be customer facing - this is a BAD idea .. it is ALWAYS a bad idea.

See, in the internet world, the NOC team are the ditch diggers, the bus-boys, the "honey-bucket" cleaners. They are critical for the survival of the company, but they get crapped on if something goes wrong. Sadly, in the world if I.T. something is ALWAYS wrong and they are constantly on red alert. Therefore, they are constantly interfacing with machines, machines are logic and efficiency. This has a side effect that when any human interaction does happen it is succinct, direct, without emotion, and without any outgoing filter. In this case, I blame whomever is Alan's manager for being completely irresponsible in letting a near automaton try to tell me to pay or be exterminated.

Having a NOC / I.T. person interface with humans, is the equivalent of dressing Spock (from the old star-trek just in case you didn't know) to try out for a lead role in a mexican soap opera.

Thank you.

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